The Dog Years
Thu, 2006-11-30 13:33 — heartcrossings
D and I met for lunch yesterday after a long time. Hearing about my most recent dating misadventure she commented "You seem to have the knack for meeting the psychoest guys out there. I don’t know how you do it".
This is not the first time that someone has observed and commented on my weird magnetism. Unfortunately, no one seems to know the fix for it. My friends tell me that its not me - its them. While they theorize the density of weirdoes is abnormally high online so sooner or later meeting one or more of them is inevitable, everyone acknowledges that my encounters have been one too many for comfort and causes concern .
D has accosted harmless looking desi guys minding their own business and asked if they were "logically and logistically" single and interested in a getting to know yours faithfully. The first time this happened, her husband had watched the drama unfold with growing concern, now he just looks the other way as D goes about trying to set me up on a date with a "normal" desi. She has given up on my ability to find anyone without serious mental health issues.
N, who has generously offered to be my relationship coach a la Hitch and Dr Phil only with the desi touch had suggested the following regimen.
"In medical terms, this is condition is refered to as wackomolitis or creepotitis. I am going to have to suggest that you behenji-fy your wardrobe and start talking with a strong ghati accent to guys you fish on the net. No smart-ass repartees while conversating. And finally and most importantly absolutely no flirting for one week. Practice total abstinence. Report back in a couple of weeks"
He thinks that I cause weirdness to gravitate towards me. The topic of my discussion with D, strictly speaking is not weird, creepy or wacky. He is just a little bit strange, maybe confused. He is on the market, presumably interested in finding someone but has a little impediment in the form of a German Shepherd. He is not able to get on a plane unless the trip is planned a month or two in advance so he has had opportunity to interview a few dog sitters for the job.
Wherever he goes, the dog goes with him. I almost started to hum "Mary had a little lamb" when I heard this. For seven years he has had this dog and that’s how long he has been single and looking as well - strange when you read the two facts in the same sentence. He has accepted his situation with a certain dogged determination. At one point , I was close to asking "So what have you decided, will it be the dog or a woman in your life ?" but thought the better of it given how that could be interpreted.
Besides the dog there is another minor issue - college football. He simply has to watch every college football game with no exceptions because he "has this thing for football". I wondered if this overzealous desi who is still working on localizing his accent had not taken cultural assimilation and emulating the American way of life a tad too seriously.
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Comments
HC
Ah, I think the guy was being conniving about his intentions - quite cheapish.
I think being honest/upfront works to the T in everything in life, in addition to the perk that one has to play no games.
LL
Nah, just wanted to be reassured that I wasn’t the only weirdo around.
(When I told my wife of that incidence, she said that I used to be one really weird dude, so I just wanted to know if others do that, too. Except, in my case, it actually worked, so I could never figure out what was so weird about something that worked so well, the one time I had tried it)
my fair ladies - GET REAL
“I want a guy with a good sense of humour”
I guess this figures in the wish list of almost all of womankind. Whats wrong with you gurls ?? Don’t you have cable TV at home, Haah? Just because you go and watch a circus and the clown makes you roll on the rafters that doesn’t mean you should start dreaming of taking him home with you
For Crissake, if sense of humour figures so top of on your list, Go subscribe to some good channel showing Sitcoms like Seinfeld… n Everybody Loves Raymond.. King Of Queens or whichever that tickles your fancy. If watching TV doesn’t sounds like fun then.. Go read a Vonnegut.. Marquez.. Eco.. or Douglas Adams. Just get REAL.
There aren’t any (or rather many) funny guys out there. (Take it from me) one needs to be a real loser in life to start seeing things in a funny way. Those funny guys are just trying to run away from reality by making it sound like life is fun and every thing is hunky dory. Life sucks. You should know that by now.
If you really wanna end up with a nice guy (in this lifetime) then please take out this funny business out of the dating equation. Please, Pretty Please
IW and humor
Guilty as charged and with good reason. Recently, I was talking to a very non-funny dude on the phone and in ten minutes I was yawning so bad that I had to hang up on him. I could not continue the conversation and still stay awake.
I figured I’d give the guy another chance and called again in a few days and yawned even more. There was just way I could be in viable relationship with a dude who only had to start talking for me to go to sleep. Now, if I was insomniac I’d probably go for him.
Funny is a function of intelligence. I don’t think most women expect a stand up comedian for a partner but it is imperative that he can make her smile at least sometimes. Getting bored in a relationship can spell its death - humor is one of the many things that keeps the spark alive between two people after the initial chemistry has faded.
IW??
>>Life sucks. You should know that by now.
it does???? how? why?
whiner san,
I don’t mean clown funny, I meant word play MASH funny. Ya know the dry cynic humor that one acquires by taking life in one’s stride.
la ” Main zindagi ka saath nibhata chala gaya “
That said, your sense of humor aint half bad.
Before Lalou starts protesting, let me say that was an honest compliment and not an encroachment on her territory.
dry cynic humor (asuf)
Asuf, Do you have a clone?
Bilbs asoup type dry cynic you mean?
Billy
I know clown is like taking things too far. I was just exaggerating to drive the point home. So M.A.S.H huh?, I hear you gurl. I was a big fan too. But tell you what, those guys on the screen have a team of whacko script writers working behind the scenes. Maybe i have given the wrong advice to watch TV. Maybe you gals are watching too much of TV and expect real guys to be as cool and funny as those guys on screen. Anyways, thanx for your compliment. But honestly, i absolutely hate that tag. Its too heavy a cross to carry (at times).
p.s. : On second thoughts, i had mentioned clown funny for little gals like LL. Am sure she still gets excited at the mention of Circus & Clowns
me no circus person!
hey what’s with dss ppl assuming they know me!! I dont like circus (cos of the animals they tame) and i feel very sorry for clowns–they make me sad (FYI IW!)
okay okay if you say so.
okay okay if you say so. Now don’t start crying coz everybody is after your case. Stop counting and Go play with your dolls n pups now
Bilbs
hey bilbsie,
me no protesting! and what territory?? whiner and his weird sense of humor (remember me bakri wearing lemons around my neck)… NOT my kind of funny.
LL Please read the p.s in
LL
Please read the p.s in my comment titled “billy”
whatta fight!
And, do keep in mind, while it is extremely hard for me to stop myself from stepping into the asuph-billo fight, I’m still controlling myself cause its Billo’s birthday, and I’m the decent sort of a guy who will wait till the clock chimes 12 at midnight (right till the b’day passes) before I enter the fray with a pair of brass knuckles.
And shame on ya asuph, stepping on someone’s toes on their birthday! What brutalities will you indulge in next, I ask you?
I can
actually imagine atra saying “the toe crusher, that went outta style when I left kindergarten”
BTW, just curious
(Statutory declaration - This question is not motivated by any desire to take a dig at anyone at all)
I am just curious - have any of you gals ever met guys (I’m talking primarily desi guys, but yeah, I guess even non-desis may be included in this survey) who have told you on the very first date that they would like to sleep with you? And if not first, then the second one?
atra
desi dude, first date. Says “we should get some privacy”. We were meeting for lunch at the airport because he was in transit and he got a room at a fancy hotel. We stayed there a couple of hours until his flight and he found out that the “privacy” did not help in any way. Later he told me he never felt so rejected by a woman in his entire life.
atra moi oui
non-desi. first date. why d’yu ask?
what can I say
Affirmative, and this dude actually refused to leave. slept in my place till I practically kicked him out at 6 in the morning. Desi
the german shepherd guy
hey…. i would interview ppl too if i have to leave my dogs with strangers. My friend’s mum is coming over next week from italy, with Alex the chihuahua… the lil alex figures on her passport and travels everywhere with her.
Aside, it takes all sorts of people to make lives funny and interesting
LaLouve
you’re anyways a nutcase, so you don’t count
cheers,
asuph
Asufff
stop being on my case. You dont have a dog that’s why you dont know anything… NOTHING ZERO ZILCH ! poor ignorant big mouth fellow. and i count!
Me! One two three
well nazi
normal or lets just say acceptable normal is a conversation with eye contact above the shoulders. thats for starters. Having the ability to put forward one’s opinions coherently and plugging holes into the other persons opinions without discrediting the person is another thing to look for. Not expecting a woman to feel ecstatic if he offers to keep her tied to the sink is another. Before you go saying that those ppl don’t exist, let me tell you , they do. I’ve met my fair share of the jerks and I can give u the corniest lines possible and and also the jerk level examples. lets just accept that they are out there.
If you still wanna yawn, you are quite welcome to. Heck I am quite fed of these guys meself. So much , so that I’ve been off the market for ever. Better not to look than to deal with these morally bankrupt idiots who won’t know a grey cell if it walked up to them and shook their hands.
That said, I wonder if the normal ( my kind of normal ) guys are out there and either I don’t meet them or they dont interest me enough to give them the time of the day. Something’s not right somewhere but am no longer interested in figuring out where.
normality
eye contact above shoulders? okay let me get this straight. if a guy can’t look into your eyes while he talks to you, that too first time, he becomes a jerk? (where he IS looking is important too, no?)
ability to put forward one’s opinions coherently. i bet a lot of humanity sucks here. so i ask again, if a person cannot put forward one’s opinions coherently, he’s a jerk?
plugging holes into other person without discrediting the other person? again, like 70-80% of humanity is discounted. and why is discrediting such a bad thing? aren’t “normal” people (by your definition) expected to take it in their stride and move on? or isn’t self-confidence one of the starters?
so let me ask this: is jerk is anyone less that exceptional?
let me give a dictionary definition: a dull stupid fatuous person (unless u qualify, that’s what you’re alleging – more than half the people you meet are dull stupid fatuous).
and btw, dictionary defines normal as: (1) being approximately average or within certain limits in e.g. intelligence and development (2) conforming with or constituting a norm or standard or level or type or social norm)
so yes! it’s hard to find “the ones”, but is it too much to ask not to go around making fun of people you dated behind their backs? and how often?
cheers,
asuph.
normal or not
Could not help commenting on this. Like Bilbs says misery loves company. My dating disasters would be a million times worse if I could not share it with friends and get a few laughs out of it atleast - same reason I blog about it sometimes.
After having seen everything that I have, normal seems like dating nirvana. Normal as in, able to have an interesting conversation without ogling or attempting to touch or grope. Not asking her how soon she is willing to start reproducing after marriage even before having given her his full legal name. Not addressing her as “babe” within hours of meeting her for the first time. You know, stuff that should be self evident to most people. Having defined normal, most out of range behavior would fall under “jerk” category.
nazi
I am not making fun of these ppl behind their backs. Before I stopped talking to them , ive given them reasons for doing so, wished them good luck and then moved on. Yes, some of them have taken it badly , but thats their problem not mine.
I am just agreeing and having a chucle at some one making fun of the same kinda ppl Ive met. Misery loves company and all that. I got quite a few laughs while I was in the game and am now getting them vicariously.
Also majority may not always be right. So just being in huge numbers or percantages may not make them normal. ( The eye contact above the shoulders is one part of the sentence- I assumed u were aware of the other half) Having some one openly ogle my ass(ets) is not flattering.
Again , agreed that its hard to find ” the ones”.
wackomolitis or creepotitis
wackomolitis or creepotitis
))
hope N hasn’t given you any analytical instrument that measures and beeps when someone with such condition is in close proximity, then it wouldn’t stop beeping when you’re in DSS.
Guys gurls can be whack in reality but when a computer screen slips in btwn, they become something very different altogether…. Its lethal, a weapon but its not part 5.
)) jus kidding (more proof to your theory)
oh man
the regimen is a tad too tough to follow. I agree with there being more jerks than normal men out there. So the probability of meeting em is higher. Add to that the fact of most normal men being shy, there goes that . I mean non jerk-men with a killer sense of humor is a pretty rare pheno’menon’ . Do try the ghati accent and report back. Me thinking I’d talk to that ghati dude I just met and see if I can copy his accent. As for behenji-fying the wardrobe, its already been lab-rattofied, so can’t really go any worse than that.
Bilbs
I can’t do the ghati accent but am work on bringing out the latent Bongness in my English - figured it would have the same benefits. So far, it has not made any noticeable difference - maybe I have to work some more on it.
As for behenji-fication of wardrobe that only applies when you meet in person. Most dudes send out alarming wierd signals even on the phone and email - you don’t even end up meeting them in person. The ones that do make it to the coffee date stage seem okay with the wardrobe I have now. Not sure that labratofication is going to do much for you for the same reasons.
isn't this a little knee-jerk?
bilbo: I agree with there being more jerks than normal men out there.
Really? What is a normal man? And more importantly, what’s a jerk? actually i don’t even know why I keep on commenting on this, “oh i meet all jerks” kind of blogs. Coming from a teen they might sound fun, too. Coming from the age group from which they come from, it’s probably just worth couple of yawns.
here is one of them
regards,
asuph