Dud Sea Scrawls The Writing, clearly, is not on the wall!

“It all sucks. And you’re all suckers”, yossarain said disdainfully

“That’s just what you think”, said Black Mamba patiently

“Here here!”, cried the Cheif, certainly finding himself in the thick of the action again.

“ROTFL”, said Queen of Heart, fully aware that that would push yossarain over the edge.

“That’s pretty stupid, you know”, yossarain said, predictably.

Okay, first things first. Gazette’s got it’s SWOT analysis done, in an ongoing effort to get the business out of the looming bankruptcy. One of the finding was that Gazette is stuck in an image that is hurting it. So this issue of Gazette would try to go away from its image as a carpet cleaning device (when people roll on the floor laughing, that’s what happens).

But why suddenly? Okay, so here is the con-text:

The Verbatim Publishing seems to have taken a leaf out of McMurphy’s notebook. The Gazette has already ventured out of the day to day news business. McMurphy’s in the meanwhile published a flop book, in parts, which most people never bothered to read. When asked point-blank how did they find it, the answer was always the same: “I’m going to read it over the weekend”. There are of course many weekends to choose from. Consequently, McMurphy had to turn his mind back to the ailing Gazette.

So, McMurphy decided to hire a consultant for finding out what’s wrong with Gazette (do we hear, “Everything!” Well, everything cannot be wrong, for Gazette is full of contradictions and two sides of all contradiction cannot be wrong! And anyways, McMurphy is too lazy to list anything, forget everything). First McMurphy approached the top three consulting agencies (names withheld for reasons of compliance). None of them were ready to work on credit. This was pretty fishy, McMurphy thought. For if they are worth their bills, then surely Gazette should come out of it’s business troubles by implementing their suggestions, and thus they should be extending credit without any hesitation.

“quod erat demonstrandum”, said McMurphy to himself. That’s Latin for “the demon stands a rat’s chance?”

“Like I care. It’s not your floor I’m rolling on”, snapped the QoH.

“I don’t have a floor. I live in the air”, retorted yossarain, “as it is, I hate the reptiles”

“Very funny!”, said QoH, trying to manage her anger

“What do we have here?”, Dunbar said, pulling a chair

“Shhhhhhh!”, hushed Dagny, for she didn’t want to miss a word

“IT’S NOT FUNNY! DON’T YOU GET IT!”, said yossarain

“Don’t shout!”, snapped Chief

“I’M NOT!”, said yossarain, puzzled.

“GET OFF YOUR HEADPHONES”, cried dooba hua

“Oh! I hate all this technology”, yossarain complained

“Stop cribbing. We didn’t invent it”, said Cheif

“But would you care to explain?”

“Well, for one you never add a smiley in the end”

“That’s because I’m not kidding, unlike you”

“quot erat demonstrandum”, the Cheif said walking away from the scene

“When did you learn Latin?”, asked yossarain

“I choose not to answer”, said Cheif, without looking back.

Anyways, there was enough in-house talent (the Ed. Asylum literally means house) available for the job. But no one, and we repeat no one, can beat Doc. Daneaka, when it comes to consulting of any kind! In his spare time (which is almost all of his time, due to his declining practice – which is to be expected, considering the attention he pays to it), he gives the inmates from Venus fashion tips. The Verbatim Publishing has tried to get him to write the fashion column in their tabloid, but before it could materialize, they themselves went out of business (Dr. Daneaka in a private conversation, told us the reasons for this too, but we cannot divulge them for Dr. Daneaka would lose his fees that way).

Dr. Daneaka even waived off his fees in lieu of the promise by McMurphy to serve him hot kanda-pohass and chai, when he comes to the Oxford of the East. McMurphy even gave away the secrets of poha-making, as a token of his gratitude.

In the meanwhile a business threat came from another direction for the Gazette. Mother Rhea has launched an entertainment company which apart from making serials and movies, has also decided to venture into news delivery. They’ve gone ahead and implanted a tape-recorder inside the Queen’s palace, and the audio clips are being circulated freely on the Internet for anyone to listen to them. This is a big blow to Gazette’s already thin market share, for now no one will pay for Gazette to hear what they can for free! McMurphy is going to start a public interest anti-trust litigation against the new company for using their profits from one domain in another, with an intent to out-market the Gazette. Only he’s currently looking for a lawyer who’d work on credit.

“You’re pronounced guilty as charged”, snapped QoH walking away disdainfully

“But what’s the charge?”, asked yossarain

“That you don’t know it”, was the last thing Cheif said, before vanishing.

“Order order”, said Mad Queen banging her hammer, “place your orders fast, it’s late”

“We’re not hungry”, shouted the crowd, “we ate too much of pop-corn”

“That’s why you fart so much”, said yossarain, as he vanished from the scene.