The End of Innocence

“Ma Nesati, Ma Nesati!”

The cry startled old Ma Nesati, who was peering into the pot burbling with a thick, delicious stew. Firela came bursting into the khamir, his young face reflecting extreme agitation.

“What is it? What is it, Firela?” Ma Nesati could hardly contain her anxiety.

“Romaa…Romaa…,” Firela was gasping for breath.

“What’s happened to my Romaa?” Ma Nesati demanded, shaking him.

“Romaa…Romaa’s gone…she’s fallen from the Raperad!”

“NO!” The old woman froze at the news, her rheumy eyes wide open in shock.

“Come, Ma Nesati! Please come soon!” Firela tugged at her skirt, shaking her out of her stunned stupor.

“Yes, yes! We must hurry!” the old lady mumbled, wiping away the tears that trickled down her leathery cheeks. She rummaged about in her old bag for some dried herbs and rags, and then set off with Firela in tow.

“Oh Dumara! Please protect Romaa, my Romaa!” she prayed, quietly desperate, as she hurried along the rocky path to the Raperad.

“Tell me again, Firela, how did it happen?”

“We were playing, Ma Nesati. We were playing Kill-The-Yarpa, and Romaa was the Yarpa. We ran behind her, when suddenly a strong wind blew and whipped up a giant dust ball. We couldn’t see her, but we could hear her. She was calling out my name”.

Firela swallowed the lump in his throat that threatened to choke him.

“Suddenly the wind subsided, and we could see her at the edge of the Raperad. We screamed for her to stop, but she didn’t seem to hear us – she just ran over the edge.”

Firela’s voice broke, as he wiped the tears streaming from his eyes.

Ma Nesati shuddered, a chill running down her spine.

“There, there,” she tried to comfort Firela. “It’s not your fault.”

“It was, Ma Nesati, it was my fault,” Firela was openly sobbing now, his heart filled with grief and remorse for his dear friend. “I was the one who insisted on playing the game!”

Ma Nesati silently hugged Firela as they approached the Raperad.

A sombre crowd had gathered, and they parted to make way for the bent old woman, as she stumbled towards the edge.

She looked down into the gloomy nothingness, and called out in a quavering voice, “Romaaaaa…”

A complete silence ensued. It was broken only by Ma Nesati herself, who turned and fell on her knees.

“Oh Dumara!” she beat her chest, wailing in a broken voice. “Why have you done this to us? Why Romaa, oh Dumara? Why do you want my innocent child?”

The women in the group all knelt and began a lament.

Oh Dumara! Your might is great.
Oh Dumara! Is this our fate?
Oh Dumara! Will you relent?
Oh Dumara! Our spirit is spent.

The young boys and girls all gathered around Firela, holding his hand, and sobbing with him.

Binta, the old man of the village, stood bent, his frail hands clutching on to his stick for support. Sitting by him was Surako, the only other male present in the village: he could not travel because he had lost his legs in a valiant battle against bandits during one of his sojourns.

The lament grew and fell like waves crashing against the Raperad’s unforgiving solidity. Roosting birds wheeled in the sky, black frailty against the saffron sunset, calling their own young ones to safety. Gloom settled down upon the village with the night.


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thank u!

hey funny, chay, sal!
thanks for ur encouragement, and dreadfully ill-mannered of me not to have acknowledged earlier.
and funny,no, this is not the one. “that” one’s shelved temporarily.


Great start!!!!!

Hey ano,

Just read it! I like it - i wanted to read more, and that, as far as I’m concerned, makes for a good story! Sticking out tongue

But kidding apart, I love the mystery, the sinister undertones, the promise of magical tales to come! And i just love some of the names - Dumara (absolute favorite - I can imagine a lament being wailed with every “Dumara” being met with the roll of a drum) Asmand (cool name for a mountain - touching the “aasmaan” kinds), Yarpa (dunno why i am reminded of the Yeti when i see this - must be the landscape.

Keep writing, ano!


chay's picture

Yay says chay!!

Wow, how did I miss this??
Lovely start Ano…Absolutely love the mood that is set right at the beginning…mysterious and action packed and painful all at once…

but I have to agree with Buck!! I feel like I am smack centre in the plot. and the pace is too fast for me…But then, u set the pace and determine the

i really look forward to reading the mythical aspects as well as the character generation…I did think the prologue was a tad short, but I am sure u know what u are doing… Smiling so I will be a patient chay!! go where the pen takes you and bon Chance!! Smiling))


Funnycide's picture

is this the one?

you were working on? that you promised to share with me?? Sad


Ano, the story is awesome so far.. I see a writer in the making.. [remember me when the critics say this on the glossy covers!!].. so for some criticism.. if I am capable of that..


I was gonna say the exact thing that Buck said.. take your own sweet time and describe the land, the mythology.. since it is a novel you can afford to not rush.. give the land its own flavor, its history.. the names are nice so far.. I like them.. Ma Nesati has been over said.. Sticking out tongue doesnt roll as well.. Romaa is nice.. [doesnt it mean hair?? :P].. please oh please describe the characters too..

but all in all.. it is wonderful!!


thanks

buck, thanks for the critique - that was helpful.
i was thinking of building up the landscape/history as i went along. to be honest, it’s not very clear to me right now! Smiling
the names were picked completely randomly - i rolled syllables around my tongue to come up with them Big Grin i wasn’t even aware of any subconscious sanskrit influence - i’ll try harder for sure!
sure, i’ll put up the glossary page. i’ve got a very rudimentary one myself - i’ll have to build it up as i go along.

peppy, wow! thanks for that ultimate compliment of being considered a worthy wait to harry potter’s next book! and then names, as i mentioned, are completely random. i did think of trying to be clever with them, but then it was too much effort! any suggestions??


Peppy's picture

niceee

oooh–harry potterish, perfect start to my harry potter wait Sticking out tongue and what DO those words mean? did i miss something in trying to rack my brains on meaning of words like dumara shumara? [plotting a blog with entirely nonsensical words, if these were those..if not, ignorant self!]


buck's picture

ooooh droool...

being a beeeg tolkien fan and a fan of fantasy literature, i love anything that sound like an entire different land and civilization…loved the idea behind this story, and the way you have sketched the mythical land…loved reading it so far…awesome stuff…do u read ursula le guin?

now for a leeettle honest criticism:

i have a feeling this story is rushing too fast…in just two parts, i feel like i am already in the thick of the story…maybe i am in the minority here, but feel free to take your time with the descriptions…describe the land more fully…take a few chapters to describe the mythology of dumara…etc..

the other part was about the names…many of the names did not really give me the feel of saying out the names of some ancient mystical land…maybe i am setting my expectations too high…but i like names such as khazad dum, Caradhras, lothlorien…u know… multisyllable delights…i don’t really know how hard it will be for u to break out of the strong subconcious influence of sanskrit if u try to come up with such names…but just thought i’d say it out for what it is worth…

and finally, could u create a glossary page? normally, i refer to the glossary again and again when i am familiarizing myself with a story set in new terrain, involving new races, etc..using ctrl-f was getting a li’l tedious…